Ribbons of Red

Still no retuned phone calls from anyone at any agency I’ve called, requesting help. I would be laughing if it wasn’t so serious. We are the outcasts of society. Make it so hard to find help, and when you do, take away their rights. Commit them without their knowledge. That happened to me. A few years ago, I presented at a local emergency stating I needed help. I was rational, cooperative, and non combative. I had had a self-harming event a few days earlier, I was crying, not sleeping, obsessing, and fearful. I asked them to “Please help me.” To my great relief they said yes and after some questions back and forth, asked if I minded being admitted. Since I had come requesting help, of course I did not mind and said yes. Two days later I wanted to leave the floor to get coffee at Starbucks which is in the lobby. The clerk asked me to wait while she checked me file. She was just as sweet as could be, and popped up and said, “You can go with an escort, do you have one?” I stood...

After a very trying and exhausting day I fell in bed at 10:30. I fell asleep but woke up at 12:30. Here we go again. I got up at 4 after turning this way and that way, and having intense spells of sweating and feeling so incredibly hot that even sitting under the fan with a wide open window didn’t help. I understand it to be adrenaline. My current quack doc thinks I'm a drug addict looking for sleeping pills and he does not believe in them. What the hell does that even mean. I don't believe in doctors not helping people. Who is right? A number of years ago, a really good psychiatrist took the time to listen. He did all kinds of tests including measuring the amount of adrenaline in my body. The results, as he relayed them to me. “It’s not that you have trouble sleeping, it’s that you can’t. Your body is making too much adrenaline.” So there I am. Someone who knew the situation, understood, and was really trying to help. Then I moved. Now I am a suicide threatening drug add...